Friday, 28 November 2014

Duhduhduhduhduhduhduh That's the news tune innit?)

Everyone loves a topical comedy show right? Probably because if comedy isn't topical it often resorts to jokes about mother-in-laws, women nagging and men not picking up their socks from the floor. Yeh...more of them jokes, that's what we all want!

So here's the second instalment from my desk buddy Mark's comedy sketch news show "News 500".
In fact Mark actually makes an appearance. Yes. He is the gay guy with eczma. Love him!

As a side point eczema is hard to spell but I now know how to spell it.

Talking about spoof news shows here's my old favourite from The Barry Welsh Show. This show might only have made it on air in Wales. It became a bit of a cult but niche classic in Swansea. It was extremely low budget and advertisers obviously weren't impressed since I remember there being hardly any adverts during the breaks - and they were all for cheap brands like Poundland.


MORE MORE MORE SPOOF NEWS!! Oh ok then. Maybe you'd like to listen to Mr Revolution himself Russel Brand PARKLIFE!

Here he is talking about Renee Zellweger's face. That was an important news story this year wasn't it!

And that concludes the news roundup for today.

(Shuffles her papers on her desk)

Friday, 21 November 2014

A sweet smelling Christmas to one and all

Merry Classy Christmas!!!!!

It is the season of giant dinners, stuffing your face and being forced to stay inside for most of the day locked in with your family. Mum and Dad drunk, your Gran vegetating in the corner, your granddad snoring in front of the telly, kids squabbling and may some neighbours and friends who popped by/ Not good news if you think that you'll all be sharing the same toilet.

If you're worried that all those brussels sprouts, stuffing and little pork sausages wrapped in bacon could leave your house full of stinky bathrooms then have no fear! PooPourri is the answer!

Check out this charming and very classy advert by PooPourri where Santa comes in need for some Poopouri.

Luckily he shat in the right house!

Thanks to my desk mate from Singapore for this one. Kris you're a star. 

Wednesday, 29 October 2014

Singing record covers

Isn't it funny how records have stuck with us, whilst tapes, CDs and mini disk players have all bitten the dust. At the moment it seems that album download services are going that way too. It's of course partly nostalgia that keeps the record popular of course. But that doesn't explain why there are so many young buyers of records. For these people it's more the album artwork and the physicality of the things that make people feel like they are really coming home with something special. Here's a little music video which cleverly plays on album art, personifying it and making it seem like something that really should be treasured. It's for Roy Kafri's Mayokero.

Roy Kafri - Mayokero (Music Video) from Vania Heymann on Vimeo.

Thanks to my colleague David for this one. 

Tuesday, 28 October 2014

It's so un-chic to pronounce fashion names wrong darling.

This week Cheryl Fernandez Versini, of Girls Aloud fame, got very upset when one of the producers on The X Factor UK called her Cheryl Cole, her name from her previous marriage to cheating football whore Ashley Cole. When the hapless man protested that her new name was hard to pronounce she moaned, "It's not hard to pronounce my name phonetically". True Cheryl. It's actually quite an easy one if you take a moment to read it properly.

However what can I say? I have been known to pronounce "chic" as "chick", much to the horror of my friends. My father calls "pitta" bread "peter bread" and one of my colleagues called "Notorious B.I.G" the "Notorious Big" over lunch today.

The world of fashion is particularly littered with difficult to pronounce names. Why there's even debate over how to pronounce every day brands like Nike. That's why i-D's fashion pronunciation guide is actually not just a cute video but something we could all learn from.

Watch it now, never make another fashion mis-pronunciation faux pas again.

Friday, 17 October 2014

NEWS FLASH! The news got funny.

Very quick blog post to congratulate my friend Mark Daniels who has contributed to the first episode of this funny multi-comedian written news spoof.

Check out this week's headlights with the funniest things I've heard about ebola be fair everything else on ebola has been frankly terrifying.

Congrats Mark. You're a funny guy.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Dance magic lights dance

Love this beautiful slightly haunting short film made by Cirque du Soleil, ETH Zurich and Verity Studios. The film was made by hiding drones indie lampshades so no CGI was employed. Those lampshades are actually dancing!

I love how cutting edge technology contrasts with old fashioned music, craft and something as everyday and normal as a lamp shade.

Thanks to my friend Paula for this one.

SPARKED: Behind the Technology:

Cirque du Soleil:
ETH Zurich:
Verity Studios:

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Devilish fun and ghostly goings on.

Can you feel the chill in the air? It's not winter coming. No. Those of us who are attuned to the spirit world know that it's actually the stirring of the dead. Or as the Americans would say, HALLOWEEN BABY! The chance for us all to get dressed up like complete sluts. YAY!

This year my outfit is going to have to be additionally slutty as I'm going to the famous Torture Garden  (exciting!). The night includes a Voodoo ballroom, a Horror Hospital Slaughterhous, a dungeon with "coffin installation performances", a Japanese Horror Bondage Room, a Haunted Forest Installation and a Satanic Bunker. I think I might freak out actually.

The dress code is pretty strict stipulating no cheap PVC or halloween outfits. Thing is, I'm on a budget. So I am taking out my trusty red boned corset (such a surprisingly useful purchase - thanks crazy ex boyfriend) and teaming it with sequin pants and killer black heels.

This is me in the corset from another year's Halloween (although that year I played it a little safer):

I'll also add a black jewelled necklace and red eye makeup. But I'm a little lost as to what to do with my hair. Being a blonde seems like a real disadvantage at Halloween. We blondes always end up looking cute no matter how hard we try to look goth. This was a real handicap in my goth clubbing days. The dog collar, black platform boots and big jeans were totally cancelled out by the cheerful golden tones on my head. Fail. So in the end maybe I'll just embrace the blonde, curl it and coat it in hair glitter. If I can the patience I'll also do my nails like this:

Even in a corset and hot pants I'll still be playing it safe compared to many at Torture Garden who seem to just bare it all. If you're over 18 (see how responsible I am) check out the costumes from last year's Halloween:

So, as I like 'how to' videos - here's the video that shows how I'll be achieving eyes like this... and possibly horns although I can imagine that gets itchy.

I am a little sad I won't be wearing last year's Halloween outfit again. I was a wolf and the makeup was really fun. Here's a flash back for y'all (sorry been watching too much True Blood).

Friday, 26 September 2014

I had a crush on you in Secondary School (the sequel to I had a crush on you in Primary School).

The time has come to fess up to my secondary school crushes (that's high school for you Americans). For some reason even though I am 31 this seems a little more embarrassing - partly because I still occasionally speak to these people. But the point is we've all moved on and it will be a laugh to write about what once was so important to my teenage heart. It's been 13 years since I saw most of them, after all. So...

Luke Hanson (aka Luke Handsome)
Everyone fancied Luke in lower school. He was just so cool. Once, when I had my hair cut into a bob he stopped to tell me that I looked nice. I think even the soles of my feet blushed. Of course Luke is still lovely and my Facebook friend. Hi Luke - yes I kinda loved you.

Simon Lawton (aka my best friend Jen's bf)
This crush lasted quite a few years. It even survived the time when Simon was forced to sit by me in Maths and let out a large fart. I was much too shy to talk to Simon and in the whole time I was at school I don't think I managed one sentence. In about year 3 a girl called Beth decided to stand up in Health ed and announce to the whole class, "Aimee fancies Simon". Beth (if you're reading this) I still think you're a bitch. Yes this particular love story was not a happy one as Simon even went out with my best friend Jen. Pure torture.

Simon Lucus (aka Slime 'n' Mucus)
Simon was one of the only male friends I had in Secondary School. He wasn't cool, but neither was I. We were drama club kids and hung out as prefects. Simon had a very annoying habit of sitting on the floor moaning about how he couldn't get a girlfriend and that none fancied him. I lent on the wall opposite thinking about how I fancied him and how irritating he was at the same time. Us girls who fancied Simon (there were a couple) consoled ourselves with discussions about how he was probably gay. We were wrong it turned out. Simon's also my FB friend. Hi Simon :)

Dan don't know his surname (aka hot Dan)
I kissed Dan, a very hot guy in the year above, in Time and Envy nightclub on the dance floor. Telling my fried Mary the next day she exclaimed: "YOU? Kissed Dan? But he's so hot!?". A little insulting. Then I kissed him again the next weekend. At that point my "friend" Jen asked the DJ to congratulate Aimee and Dan on "their new arrival". You can always rely on friends to embarrass you. On the Monday in school I was informed that Dan already had a girlfriend in our year and she'd probably beat me up. She was little but she looked scrappy so I spent the next month hiding from her.

John Parfitt (aka John Perfect)
Ahhh my 6th form crush. I used to play The Sims on the computer and make John's character fall in love with my character. I even fancied John when he went through the dodgy blonde tipped hair do. Finally it came to the leaving do in Bentley's nightclub. Thinking that I was finally released from having to face school the next day (or ever again) I had a spurt of courage. I stormed up to John grabbed him and shouted over the music: "So are you gonna ask me to dance or what?". My charm worked. Either that or the black satin top with chains I lent from my sister for pulling purposes.

John if you're reading this - your kids are very cute.

And that was it. School had ended. I had a couple of boyfriends mixed in. I'm not counting them as crushes - they'd be a whole other blog post. Reading my old diaries I think I was open to crushes on a lot of people. Not my fault - blame it on the crazy teenage hormones. But these were the ones I really remember.

If you have a funny school crush story do share. I'd love to hear it.

Thursday, 25 September 2014

Wangechi Mutu and her disturbing surreal collages.

The problem with any kind of artistic pursuit is that when you're feeling down you tend to block yourself creatively. Suddenly whatever artistic thing you are engaged in seems stupid and pointless because you feel stupid and pointless. Why paint pictures when other people are better artists than you? What's the point of writing a blog when there are people who are actually paid to write blogs and research their subject matter all day? 

This year I've struggled with these doubts. But I'm happy to say that the fog has lifted. I feel happier than I have done in years. I'm starting to feel creative again. And what better way to start thinking of new and interesting things than to look at a weird and wonderful artist. 

Wangechi Mutu is an african artist who works in New York. Whilst she also does sculpture and moving image, her most famous pieces are her collages. Her images often focus on a disturbed image of the female figure - sometimes with monstrous spikes, plant-like growths, mechanical cyborg elements and animal features. The result is of women who look grotesque and disturbing but yet still beautiful. It makes me think of the nature of women in the world today - told to embrace our sexual instincts, obsessed with technology which has become an extension of ourselves and constantly trying to refigure our own images - through surgery, Facebook selfies and makeup. 

The collages are built from magazine cut outs (images of female beauty cut out of context), from sculpted and painted surfaces and found materials. The collage helps to portray Mutu's idea that: "Females carry the marks, language and nuances of their culture more than the male. Anything that is desired or despised is always placed on the female body."

Here are some of my favourite pieces of her art: 

For more on Wangechi Mutu check out this Guardian's article:

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

I love to dance

There aren't many opportunities in my life for dancing these days. It's sad. I love it. Here is a video that really made me smile and also made me want to learn some new moves. It's an ad for Diesel which shows how flexible their jogg jeans are. Very flexible it seems. So flexible that you can do any style of dance in them from a-z.

I'm rubbish at twerking by the way. I tried - it caused much hilarity.

Ok how cool was that? Thanks to my colleagues for this one.

Friday, 10 January 2014

And Your Mum Is Best Buds with P&G

Ok. To counter act the piss take of loving Mums from Old Spice here's one where Mums are the heroes. Because really and truly, that's what Mums are.

Thanks to my ex for this one ;-)

And thinking of my Mum who would have celebrated her birthday with mine next month.
Love you Mum. 

Old Spice Is Your Mum's Worst Enemy

My ex's mother was very clingy. She showered him in hugs and big kisses, nagged him constantly but affectionately and called him several times a day. Each call would last about an hour. One Christmas she sent us a card. It was addressed to us both but said, "To a wonderful Son" on the front and had a picture of a cartoon little boy. Another Christmas he announced he'd be spending the day with me.
"You can always change your mind", said his Mum grabbing his hands and staring at him earnestly. I was standing next to him. Any time the subject of us getting married would arise in conversation his Mum would say, "there's no rush, you have the rest of your life!"

She meant well. She loved her precious son and wanted to remain the main woman in his life. This is why I can see her as one of the Mums in this Old Spice Commercial.

Oh and Happy New Year!

Here's to new beginnings and new adventures.

I'm single again so I'm sure I'll have plenty to tell you about.